No he didn’t because that would just be silly wouldn’t it? What my colleague Chris Cooper from the University of Essex was reported as saying by The Independent was “Delay awarding London 2012 Olympic medals for eight years” because he thinks it will take that long for drug tests to separate who was playing the game (cricket, obviously) from the cheats – the word taken from Chris’s book Run Swim, Throw, Cheat.
The current front-runner in the game of Beat the Biochemists appears to be erythropoietin (EPO) – a natural hormone that makes us produce more red blood cells. That’s handy if you go in for endurance events (like surviving t.v. coverage of the Olympics). The Boffins went 1 – 0 up recently by coming up with a test that picks up EPO after it’s been injected.
In the second leg the Scoundrels have hit back with fiendish cunning. A key factor that regulates whether we make EPO is oxygen availability. Lower oxygen means more red cells needed. But for that to happen there has to be a molecular messenger that can sense oxygen levels. There is: it’s a protein called hypoxia-inducible factor (HIF, of course) that under normal conditions gets broken down very quickly – by a process that needs oxygen. So when oxygen drops HIF lasts longer, makes more EPO and that makes more red cells. The crafty bit is finding another molecule that stabilizes HIF – in effect, enables it to survive even when there’s plenty of oxygen. HIF stabilizers are potentially important in treating some diseases and they’re just the ticket if you want to cheat in the 5,000 km bog snorkel.
There’s a bit of a concern because HIFs play an important role in helping cancers to grow so, adding that to the stress of wondering if you’re going to be nicked, it’s all going to be a bit of a strain for any ‘athletes’ who succumb to temptation. But there’s a time-honoured way of dealing with stress and this isn’t the moment to spoil the ship. A pack a day should do the trick.
Sorted. It’s all systems go for gold in the true Olympian spirit, Lucky Strikes in one pocket, HIF stabilizers in the other, morals in the changing room. The Boffins are scuppered, at least until they can find a way of detecting the invisible EPO driver, unless of course the fags give things away. What the score-line will be when we hear the merciful blast of the final whistle on 12th August is anyone’s guess – but for once I wouldn’t bet on the Boffins.
So who was the idiot responsible for the title of this piece? What could have possessed him? I have no idea but here’s a guess. What if he thought: let’s ban the Olympics for two rounds – and come 2020 everyone will say “Gee, what a great eight years we’ve had with none of the colossal waste of money on these staggeringly over-hyped, extraordinarily tedious and somewhat malodorous events. Let’s not bother any more.” Give that man a medal – without delay!